Conflict in the Church: Why It Is So Difficult for Pastors/Leaders—and How to Lead Through It

Conflict is one of the realities of leadership that most pastors and leaders would probably rather avoid.

We enter pastoral ministry because we care about people. We want to see lives changed, people growing in their faith and our churches, ministry or mission areas becoming healthy communities. Yet sooner or later, we discover that leadership also means navigating disagreement, disappointment, criticism and conflict.

I know this from personal experience.

Over my three decades of pastoral leadership, I have had to walk through many different kinds of conflict. No two conflicts have ever been the same, but I've learned that having some understanding of the nature and dynamics of conflict can make a significant difference in how we respond to it.

A recent qualitative study of Australian Baptist pastors highlighted just how significant this issue can be. The study identified conflict in the church as one of the major challenges pastors face, alongside setting boundaries, vicarious trauma and living authentically.

Conflict isn’t necessarily a sign that something has gone wrong, in fact conflict is part of the territory of leadership.

The question isn't whether we will encounter conflict, but how we respond when it comes.

How Conflict Escalates

Most conflicts don't begin as major confrontations.

Often, they start with something relatively small: a decision someone disagrees with, a misunderstanding, a change in direction, a conversation that didn't go well or an expectation that wasn't met.

I've seen how something that initially seemed quite manageable can take on a life of its own when it isn't dealt with early.

A disagreement about a particular issue can gradually become personal. People become defensive, conversations become more difficult, and perhaps people start keeping their distance. Then other issues get brought into the discussion—sometimes issues that have been sitting unresolved for months or even years.

Before long, other people become involved. Someone tells a friend their side of the story. Someone else hears a different version. Communication becomes increasingly indirect. People start talking about one another rather than to one another.

And as communication breaks down, mistrust tends to grow.

Eventually, what started as a disagreement over one particular issue can become a much broader sense of "us and them."

The original issue may almost disappear beneath the weight of everything that has accumulated around it.

This is why recognising conflict early matters.

The longer conflict is allowed to escalate, the more difficult it becomes to know what you are actually trying to resolve.

Looking Beneath the Surface: The Conflict Tree

One way I find helpful to think about conflict is to picture a tree.

What we see above the ground is only part of the problem.

The leaves represent the symptoms. We see arguments, complaints, criticism, angry emails, people withdrawing, disagreement at leadership meetings, gossip or perhaps people beginning to leave the church.

Those things are real, but they may not be the real issue.

The trunk represents the core issue. Perhaps there is disagreement about the direction, a leadership decision, a programme or policy. Perhaps there are unclear expectations or a breakdown in trust.

Then there are the roots—the deeper causes that may have been developing for some time.

Perhaps there is a history of unresolved conflict. Maybe someone feels overlooked or hurt. There may be fear about change, a struggle for influence or control, or simply a lack of trust that has developed over time.

I've found that it is tempting, particularly when you're under pressure, to focus on the leaves. We want to solve the immediate problem.

But sometimes we need to step back and ask:

What is really going on underneath this conflict?

If we only deal with the presenting issue, the same conflict can simply emerge again in another form.

Not All Conflict Is the Same

Another thing I've learned is that not every conflict is the same, and not every conflict should be approached in the same way.

Sometimes the conflict is about a policy or programme. Should the church change its service times? Introduce a new ministry? Spend money in a particular way? Change the way something has traditionally been done?

These disagreements can be uncomfortable, but they don't necessarily have to become personal. Healthy churches and ministries should be able to disagree.

At other times the conflict is more interpersonal. Two people in the congregation or mission organisation have fallen out. Two leaders have very different personalities. A staff member and volunteer aren't getting along.

As pastors,and leaders we can easily find ourselves in the middle of these situations. Sometimes that's appropriate. But sometimes our desire to fix things can actually mean we take responsibility for something that belongs primarily to the people involved.

And then there are situations where the pastor or leader becomes the focus of the conflict.

There is an important difference between someone disagreeing with a decision and someone attacking the person who made it.

That can be particularly difficult , because our leadership can become closely connected with our identity. When someone criticises our leadership, it can feel as though they are criticising us personally.

Sometimes criticism is something we genuinely need to hear. We all make mistakes.

But there are other occasions when we need to ask:

"Is there something here that I need to own, or am I being asked to carry something that isn't mine to carry?"

That can be a difficult question to answer when emotions are running high.

How We Respond to Conflict Matters

One of the things that becomes apparent when you're in the middle of conflict is how easily we can react rather than respond.

I've certainly experienced that temptation myself.

When we're tired, disappointed or feeling misunderstood, our instinct can be to become defensive. We might avoid the conversation altogether, try to win the argument, or perhaps try to keep everybody happy simply because we want the tension to go away.

Sometimes we talk to other people about the conflict because we need to process it. That's understandable. But there is a difference between seeking wise counsel and gradually building a group of people who see the situation from our perspective.

I've learned that it is often better to slow things down.

Listen carefully.

Try to understand what is actually being said.

Be willing to acknowledge where I've got something wrong, and at the same time, recognise that I don't have to accept every criticism as being true.

Being open to criticism is healthy. Being controlled by criticism isn't.

Sometimes the wisest thing a leader can do is simply refuse to escalate the situation.

Not every disagreement needs to be won.

Conflict Is Part of the Territory of Leadership

Perhaps one of the most important things I've learned over the years is that conflict doesn't necessarily mean you're failing as a leader.

If you lead people, you will eventually disappoint someone.

You will make decisions that not everyone agrees with. Someone will misunderstand you. You will misunderstand someone else. People will have different expectations of you.

And occasionally, someone will strongly disagree with your leadership.

That doesn't mean we should become insensitive or dismissive. Good leaders remain teachable.

But if every disagreement causes us to question ourselves, eventually we can become paralysed.

The goal isn't to become a leader who never experiences conflict.

The goal is to become a leader who can navigate conflict without losing perspective, integrity or peace.

Don't Walk Through Conflict Alone

There is one lesson from my years in pastoral leadership that I would particularly encourage other pastors and leaders to consider.

Don't try to carry significant conflict on your own.

When you're personally involved in a difficult situation, it can be surprisingly hard to see it clearly. You're carrying the conversations you've had, the things people have said, your own emotions and perhaps concerns about where the situation might lead.

And as a pastor or leader, you may not feel that you can talk openly with many people in your own church or ministry organisation.

This is where having a wise and impartial confidant can be incredibly valuable.

Someone who isn't part of the conflict.

Someone who doesn't have an agenda.

Someone who isn't simply going to agree with you.

Someone who can listen and then ask, "Have you thought about it this way?"

The Australian study found that pastors valued the support of mentors, and peers . That makes sense to me. We all need people who can help us step outside our immediate circumstances and regain perspective.

Sometimes we don't need someone to tell us what to do.

We need someone who can help us think clearly about what is happening.

That can be particularly valuable when emotions are running high.

Conflict Doesn't Have to Define Your Leadership

Conflict is uncomfortable. It can be exhausting. At times it can make you question yourself, your leadership and even your calling.

I've walked through enough conflicts over the years to know that there is rarely a simple formula for resolving them.

No two conflicts are ever exactly the same.

But I've also learned that understanding the nature of conflict, recognising when it is escalating, looking beneath the symptoms and having wise people around you can make a significant difference.

You don't have to eliminate conflict to lead well.

You need to learn how to navigate it with wisdom, courage, humility and healthy boundaries.

Conflict may be part of the territory of leadership. But you don't have to carry it alone.